Okay, so my girlfriend keeps telling me to write more movie reviews because it's been, what, four or five months? And I know all of my readers (that means you, guy who keeps leaving me porn links in my comments section) must be feverishly awaiting more sullen dismissals of cinematic magic; but too bad for you, because something even better happened yesterday. None other than legendary underground comic artist/writer Daniel Clowes was here in Toronto to launch his new book, Wilson.
If you don't already know, Daniel Clowes is the author of numerous comics including Ghost World (also co-writer of the Terry Zwigoff-directed film adaptation), Like a Velvet Glove Cast in Iron, Ice Haven, and David Boring (my favourite), all drawn from his Eightball comic series. The man is justly acclaimed as one of the pioneers of the underground comic movement and one of the greatest writers and artists in the industry. Along with Alan Moore's Watchmen, Ghost World really was the main thing that got me back into reading comics, something I'd neglected since my very early days of mild X-Men fanaticism. More than anything, Clowes' work introduced me to a new world of wry, witty, surreal stories that were a far cry from the superhero genre I had been familiar with. His stories are populated with outsiders, misfits and sociopaths; yeah, characters that I could identify with for a change. All this with a frankness and lack of pretentiousness that are difficult to find in most literature.
Apparently Mr. Clowes is rather publicity-shy, this having been one of his first public appearances in years (reportedly). Obviously I had to go, so I got tickets (free but limited) and Dom and I went down on Friday to catch his appearance. He spent more than 90 minutes talking candidly about his career in retrospect and answering questions from some National Post guy (yeah, I know... the Post, ugh. But the guy was ok.) Really interesting - I learned a few things I did not know about Clowes. For instance, he animated a Ramones video, worked for Cracked magazine (hahaha), had his art on a weird Coca-Cola spinoff called OK Soda along with fellow comic artist Charles Burns, and may or may not have been responsible for discovering Scarlett Johanssen, which I may add is a somewhat dubious feat, considering her post-Lost in Translation work. But anyway... OK Soda. Weird. Apparently they marketed it like, "oh, here's this soda, it's not great but it's okay, you can drink it if you want... or not. We don't really care." It's funny, even these big corporations were trying to capitalize on the whole underground movement in the nineties, and I didn't even realize that there was one. If only I hadn't been wasting my time with T.S. Eliott, the cryptic, overwrought fascist tit!
Anyway, I thought it was great. Not only that, but he also had a book signing afterward! I wanted to get my copy of David Boring signed, but unfortunately I lent it out to one of my buddies ages ago and I haven't seen it since. Luckily they had a table where they were selling some of his stuff and I was able to pickup Eightball #19 where the story debuted. He signed that and also my old copy of Like a Velvet Glove Cast in Iron. His wife was there too, and they were both really nice, although I really was rather nervous and didn't know what to say. What a dork! Anyway, it's not like I would have come up with something so great to say to him that he would remember it later and go, "wow, what a cool and smart guy that Sean was..." I was just happy to meet one of the artists whose body of work has occupied a part of my insular life for years. It's the first time I've ever had the chance.
I read Wilson while I was at work. Clowes said he was thinking of Charles Schultz while he wrote it, and I definitely feel that translated well to Wilson, which is both hilarious and sad - the sign of the best kind of comedy. Somehow, the book is oddly redemptive too. But Clowes noted during his talk that he doesn't feel that people really redeem themselves in the end - it's life that beats you down over time, and it forces a kind of resignation and redemption upon you regardless of your intentions. (I agree.)
So yeah, I know you don't read any shit about yourself on the internet or probably anywhere else, but thanks, Daniel!

The thing is, Tom is a sappy guy with delusions of true love and destiny; but Summer is aloof and non-committal. She tells him up front that she's not looking for anything serious - and proceeds to sleep with him. Mixed signals much? But Tom allows himself to believe that Summer is "the one" and starts pressuring her to define their relationship. See, all his life he's been fed notions of love through movies, music, and literature; hell, his job as a greeting card writer requires him to perpetuate this pleasant but nebulous sentiment. (In perhaps the best moment in the movie, Tom gives us a bitter, but illuminating, rant on the perpetuation of bullshit as regards the neat packaging of love and sentimentality in society.)

1) Final Fantasy (now Owen Pallett due to copyright laws) - Heartland:
2) M.I.A.:
5) Beat Happening - You Turn Me On
6) The Silver Jews:
But this isn't a review of Hellboy. On to Cronos. What can I say about this one? I'll start by noting that I was rather disappointed. I was expecting a dark horror fantasy, but Cronos is just plain silly. Sure, it starts off well, with an aging antiques dealer named Jesus Gris coming across an ancient device that grants immortality to its posessor. The only thing is, it turns you into a vampire, more or less. Not at first, to be sure. The story is typically Faustian; the Cronos device begins by making Jesus feel younger and more vigorous. He quickly becomes reliant upon the device. It's an old story and its been told better elsewhere. His young daughter tries to stop him from using the device, but it's too late. The other plotline involves a rich but terminally ill, crusty old bastard, a cartoonish Claudio Brook as De la Guardia. For obvious reasons he wants the Cronos device for himself, and he elects his thuggish, plastic-surgery-obsessed nephew Angel to "acquire" it from Mr. Gris. Ron Perlman is bafflingly cast as Angel. His performance is atypically ridiculous - I really don't know what to make of it. At one point, he even affects the old evil "muwahahahahaha!!!" laugh; I have no idea if it's supposed to be a parody or not. Every scene with him in it is rendered absurd by his cheesy performance. I don't say this lightly because I normally like Ron Perlman!
For what appears to be a horror film, Cronos is damnably slow. It plays out more like an amateurish moral allegory. The story is boring and frequently ludicrous. Really, the only interesting thing going on is del Toro's visual flair, on display even at this early stage in his career. The Cronos device itself looks pretty cool, especially shots of the various mechanical goings-on inside. There's also a pretty amusing scene where Jesus rises from the grave. Makeup effects are decent if not amazing. Basically, you can see the groundwork that would eventually lead to much better and more entertaining movies.
NOTE: Cronos bears no relation whatsoever to the detail of Francisco Goya's similarly-titled painting, above; but it's way cooler than anything you're going to see in the movie.
The Brood is probably the closest Cronenberg got to directing a straight horror flick, with a deceptively simple plot. Dr. Hal Raglan (a glowering Oliver Reed) is a pioneer in the field of "psychoplasmics," a parapsychotherapeutic method involving drawing out patients' anger in metaphysical manifestations. He would seem like a quack except that what seems metaphysical actually turns out to be rather more physical. Manifesting itself as cancerous growth and skin affliction in some patients, psychoplasmics definitely redefines expressing one's inner rage. One of Dr. Raglan's patients is the disturbed Nola Carveth, unfortunately over-played by Samantha Eggar. When things start happening to people related to her, her separated husband Frank starts to investigate further, in the interest of protecting their daughter Candice - unexplained bruises start to appear on her, but Frank thinks it has something to do with his crazy-as-a-loon wife.
More unsettling than outright scary, you'll still probably jump more than once during The Brood. It can be easily appreciated as a straight horror film, but the themes it explores venture into the allegorical as well. This is probably the best thing about Cronenberg's work; uncompromising intelligence along with excellent special effects and engaging stories. Plus the odd scene or two that might make you want to hurl. He has been able to bring legitimacy to the horror genre like no other filmmaker I can think of. Hopefully the success of Eastern Promises and the superb A History of Violence prompts moviegoers to explore his sorely underrated earlier work.